i'm sad and alone. i'm too afraid to let my eyes close long enough for sleep to take me. afraid he'll make good on his threats. for every minor infraction punishment is swiftly dealt. every four letter word expertly flung. intent on causing pain, doubt, shame and always hitting it's target. what an easy mark i've become. he's cruel to me and rough with the children. he shows no patience at all. there's just so much anger and rage with not a shred of accountability, no remorse for anything. at the root of all responsibility is someone else's mistake. he is never at fault. i can't take this anymore. i wish my dad were here to hold me tight. to make me feel safe and loved. we have it so good. why does it have to be like this?

"what does it even matter anymore?" as i watch the boundaries of self sink away like sand castles in the surf. where i'd once bitterly resented how far my situation seemed from where i wanted to be, now i see that at least i had myself. at least the steel walls i'd built held fast against whatever it was that crept in the night. to bring something into the world is to surrender your defenses entirely and i had no idea that i'd settled on such hostile grounds. without my shield, without my impenetrable armor i absorbed the blows, endured with every ounce of strength within. i didn't know what was outdoors. i didn't know myself in the darkness, i couldn't see beyond myself and now i feel more lost and alone than i've ever known. but i gathered my dignity. i tried at least and stood tall announcing my sins, declaring my shortcomings- hoping that the truth will set me free. and it has only provided more fodder for the onslaught. it decries my worth, my words, my deeds. i am the sum of almost. valued at not enough. insufficient in every way possible.

strongly dissatisfied with myself but really impressed with what i do. pieces of everything around me are coming together. we're making it work. but why do i feel like i've paid the price in self?

two days back my fingers couldn't fly fast enough. words, images rose up cresting just behind my eyes waiting desperate to be flung far into the recesses of my electronic memory.

i cannot express today. i cannot access. no thoughts meet me in the quiet. i'm just frustrated and dissatisfied. waiting.

suffering from unbearable ennui. it leads to introspection, dissatisfaction and a very familiar downward spiral. despair. depression.

is it madness or laziness?

a luxury to be so bored. so selfish, pathetic and self pitying.